I feel like I fell asleep the other night and woke up in hell.
What happened was that my ex revealed to me that he had a girlfriend even though he told me he was done with love.
How can I celebrate that, especially when you let me confide in you before dropping that truth that someone is taking my spot basically?
I hate how he didn't even try to understand me when it came to what split us up in the first place.
Not to mention that our friend is deceased from suicide as well.
I can't help but only clench my jaw.
Then to make things worse, the cute guy from my college went to the movies with the girl with the same name as me.
Not me. The other girl. I'm glad that I finally spoke up and told him that it was hella awkward for me to hear that considering I.. oh.. I really have no idea..
THAT I HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM?
It's fairly easy for me to become stressed out but I'm just trying to take a chill pill.
I understand that no one is obligated to tell me anything but I actually felt safe with my ex, confiding in him even more than on this blog because we were all friends with the one who passed...
I don't know how to act once again, I know that it's best for me to not lose my composure in general, but I'm so tired of the romanticization and enabling attitudes towards "implusive girls". Acting that way is incredibly damaging.
Yet the other girl with the same name acts just like that but doesn't realize to think how she's possibly hurting others, she's being selfish by just constantly acting on every thought that blooms into her mind.
It is ANNOYING.
Then the friend I was confiding into just all of a sudden stopped talking to me and changed her status to look like she was having some sort of fun when I was so close to possibly bringing harm to myself.
I rather be educated on the truth about a lot of things.
I just feel like I'm at my limit. Even if my birthday is soon and he wants to potentially go out with me on my birthday.
Why do I have to bring my ideas to the table every time?
I just want to be special. For someone to think of me first. For someone to consider me first and be valued and reciopercated.
Instead I have to come out of hell's pearly gates.
That's it.
Thx for reading this if you did.
Nov. 6 2025 | 12:44
Hi
It's been a long time since I talked on here.
A lot of turbulent life events have been happening
The cute guy who likes welcome to the NHK came around. He said that he loved me a lot, and liked to feel my hand which did wonders for me, a lose- I mean a very nice girl
What sucks a lot is that I invited him to a event where I initially planned for us to hang out together. He invited the girl with the same name as me there and before I knew it they were laying on each other's heads
Since this is a public blog I'll hold back on describing what I really felt in that moment but yeah
I'm not a fan of two-timers
Hopefully all of this rubbish can clear up soon
Bye
Oct. 28 2025 | 12:08
I Don't Know What's Wrong
I spend my time watching old commercials of defunct TV channels from my childhood for numerous reasons. Sometimes the memories of people that were once older than me enter my mind, because they must've been around my age or so when these channels were active. Somehow I daydream about me meeting them at that time, and saving them, being with them.
I can tell I'm just overmarking check boxes of safety, security and care with other people that I couldn't do for them. I still have no idea what is the status of K., and my friend J. took his own life..
Considering that 90% of my being holds love for things from the past, it was a no-brainer to choose K. yet I foolishly chose my in-person day-to-day, which was giving me merely nothing compared to the fountain of hopes and dreams I was cultivating online. I don't even know why I blocked and unfriended K. I feel as though I was brainwashed by everyone around me in society, who are acquaintances that "this is the right choice".
I wish that I was able to buy the retro things that I wanted months earlier so I had more things to preoccupy me, especially when I'm emotionally down in the dumps like this. I don't know if I procrastinated by pritorizing the real life first.
I have a feeling I would've either be very happy if I chose K., or I would be beyond miserable, beyond lost and beyond penniless with him, but I guess I'll never know. Everything that I love became a reminder of him, and just as I was about to feel better and move beyond this phase of my life, my friend died.
I need clarification if K. and his two brothers are alright. If they all got nice jobs, if they are with happy families of their own, etc. It pains me that I couldn't be a part of their real life, but it's fine. It's only fine because I have to look forward as long as I'm alive, despite these violent negative thoughts toward myself spawning ever so often.
It's also painful to remember that I'll never meet another K. again. I guess I can try to write 1000 songs about it, but IDK. This blog is almost at 2k views.. and not a single soul has reached out to me nor followed me or anything. I tried.
Oct. 25 2025 | 17:15
Listening to: Kanashimi no mukou e
A lot of stuff is on my mind right now. I want to say that I have a discord now, hikikocore is the username. So if you really want to talk to me I am here.
My friend went missing, but she suddenly appeared in the hospital, so I'm waiting patiently to see her again.
My other friend unfortunately took his own life, and I am going through the motions of my emotions.
Considering that no one has reached out to me, I should just be quiet, I suppose
It's not like I'm doing this for attention even though "omg I am posting this on a public site"
Everyone has to have some sort of human interaction in their life, somehow, right?
So yeah.
Good evening to you
Oct. 11 2025 | 9:47
Listening to: Air's opening (the anime)
Miffed because someone with a big following suddenly broke the mutual with me, and they were scummy enough to not softblock me, meaning I unfollow them in the process as well. The idiot only cares about numbers, it's not unusual in this society but how sad.
Anyways..
I don't know what to really write here. I don't want to write about my plans and what's going good for me because I don't want them to be ruined by some loser surrounded by trash hoping the worse for me.
I will update this later if I have any sadness or frustration within me to share later.
Cya
Oct. 8 2025 | 4:35
Listening to: Sewerslvt - Yandere Complex
I feel absolutely hopeless right now.
The cute guy I saw at college, we saw each other in the club but we didn't talk at all. Even though we both like "Welcome to the NHK" he just suddenly left and didn't say much of anything to me.
I hate my college and everyone in it. My fear of people and anxious situations just returned and I can't go to my therapy appointment on Friday because I scheduled something related to academics.
If someone wanted all of my happiness to fall out of the sky and soul right now, I hope you're happy.
I even had a subtle argument with one of my online friends about how rude they were being to me.
I don't know if there's any hope for me.
I can return to being a hikikomori but when has that ever helped me? The pictures I shared were god-awful, the music I made wasn't the best compared to when I was forced to socialize, and people left my social circle at a much higher rate.
I hate living with my parents and general family so I have to change something somehow. Maybe I have to create.
I know I shouldn't listen to such depressing music like this especially in the hour of hopelessness. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I wish that I was never abused, never yelled at for being soft-spoken, cautious and shy, I wish that I had a better upbringing. I wish I was genuinely protected and found love.
Why is it so hard for me to exist?? Even though my brother told me that my parents worked really hard for me to exist, even "more harder compared to him" I just want to disappear. I can't even listen to music that comforts me when I feel like utter garbage because some people who had painted smiling faces hated me for listening to that kind of music. FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
I don't know what to do anymore.. I have to finish what I started (academically).. if people give me shit today I'll give it to them right back.
Cya.
Sep. 28 2025 | 11:17
This may be a generic story of how going outside temporarily remedied my depression, but fuck it - let's motherfrickin' go.
Yesterday I went to a special anime-themed event with my close friend of 9 years. We survived an abusive academic environment, that was way more than loads of homework at our doorsteps, it was just really bad.
I was able to meet a new friend that motivated us to have lots of fun at karaoke! She was really friendly and open, and I'm grateful we were able to meet and have fun. I honestly thought she was around my age, but she's a little older which is perfectly fine by me.
The vendors there were really nice, sweet and chatty, and my friend had a lot of fun talking to them. It was also cool to talk to the people at the events occasionally, although everyone was generally preoccupied.
I also met a influencer that was really pretty and she was kind to me.
With all of these positive events in mind, I generally feel like I was fatigued by only seeing things through a computer screen. For the next 3.5 years of my life starting from 2022, my theme song could've been Automatic by Utada Hikaru, considering I felt like I could only feel romance throughout a screen (and I still kinda do feel that way tbh-). I lamented about not talking to cute boys with my friend lightheartedly teehee
But yeah. I talked to one of my close online friends about everything but everything that came out of my mouth was recollection of the positive rather than complaining that I don't have a boyfriend yet, so I'm grateful for that. Ironically enough, when I was looking at figurines with my friend, the "Welcome to the NHK" opening played over the loud speakers HAHA
I managed to get a CD and a cool t-shirt that I won't be showing here for safety purposes, but I felt a bit awoken in my VOCALOID obsession that's been going on for well over a decade,,
Speaking of VOCALOID, a hatsune miku cosplayer found me and took a photo with me as well, so that was really cool. I just spoke to her online too.
Well, I'll update this later if I really wanna.
Thx for reading about my pain lolz
P.S. I was able to get my photo taken a lot of times. There was a subtle wardobe malfunctioning with me but I was able to discreetly hide it via boba tea, safety pins and moar. lol
There was a guy secretly recording my friend and I talking but I just saw it in hopes that we'd be used in the trailer for the next event or something.
Sep. 6 2025 | 16:06
Alone
I'm distancing myself away from my friend group because I became overwhelmed with too much information online. I don't want to say anything wrong or cause them to ignore/isolate/forget about me. My head hurts because on social media, I saw hundreds of conspiracy theories all at once. A lot of people tell me that I'm intelligent and smart, so I try to accept it, but I'm not realizing how much I'm underestimating my intelligence!
I'm not someone to do anything about the information that just got presented to me.. I tried telling my parents about the terrifying history videos I saw as well, and my mother just kept changing the topic while my dad said to look at the positive side of history. I feel like if I do learn about the fucked-up side of history, I'll be able to understand why some people have incredibly evil notions towards certain people.
I don't know how I am right now so that's why I also took a break.
I don't see this as a conspiracy theory but personally I believe in reincarination and I have been for years. I watched this movie that oddly aligned with my life creepily. I saw a youtube video informing people all about it and how it represents the future of the world only for the channel and video to disappear entirely.. I wish I had someone trustworthy to actually listen into my thoughts, but also with no risk of being sent to a mental hospital. I won't change my friends' boundaries.
I feel like all of this is reminding me of the Japanese phrase, "denpa".
I said I lost all of my sanity points to them because I was going to re-enter the negative mindset I was in last year, super obsessive, taking notes of everything and internalizing things from the past as part of my truth. If you think I'm crazy writing this, it might be best for you to stop reading.. I just want peace..
No wonder I found the protagonist of Welcome to the NHK cute..
*sighs* Oh well.
Thanks for reading
Love, Hikiko
P.S. Besides all of these disturbing videos, I've also encountered videos that deeply describe how I am feeling inside even though I haven't communicated these feelings in a long time. There was even one about how I felt about K. #2.
21:43
I have been holding this in for a long time, and I'll write it for anyone willing to read about my feelings.
I really want to create. I know that I already make music very occasionally and whatnot, but I really want to show my face, but I don't have the perfect room, and I don't have the perfect hair, yet. I do like my purple (yes, even though my entire blog is pink, I have purple hair ohmaigawd) and black hair but there is a certain ideal in my mind, and it's been cultivating for years, heck for well over a decade at this point.
I also wanted to mention that I feel better regarding the earlier situation because I was able to talk about these stressful feelings with my friend of 10+ years, J.
I was surprised to see that he even agreed with my personal thoughts as well, so I'm very appreciative of that.
Returning back to my original point, I avoid upcoming/rising youtube stars like the plague because seeing their creativity makes me cringe, especially if it's psuedo-nostalgic retroslop created by someone who never took the time to understand their fascination for the "olden days". That media gets popular among people who weren't there for the real thing but is in love with the aesthetic of the glossy fake exterior, or people who also create the same garbage. I just can't help but be a huge hater at times. I am trying to enjoy this one girl vlogger who's vlogging about her time in college but she has a manufactured authenticity to her. I might make a video regarding how to properly make a vlog video in the future because all of this trashy retroslop just isn't it, it's part of the slop machine that is Youtube today.
Period.
Sep. 5 2025 | 19:47
Hello world. I resurfaced my two breakcore songs that I made earlier this year on my Youtube channel. Feel free to listen to it if you'd like.
I honestly don't have much to say here as of today..
Sep. 3 2025 | 16:48
I wonder how my grandmother is feeling. She went to re-visit her home country after her mother had unfortunately passed away a few years ago.
I’m listening to this song that I linked above.. it’s a little unsettling but not for the fact that it’s a foreign language - I’ve been listening to a lot of foreign music for more than half of my life, I just find it a little unsettling but I know it’s trying to be a upbeat blues song.
It’s a good thing that I have this blog because it’s stressful to constantly think of DM’s where I try to confide in people that claim to be trustworthy but then tell everyone else that I’m traumadumping or something. I don’t believe that will happen again, but yeah. Things are slowly but surely getting better.
Sep. 2 2025 | 10:02
I feel significantly more different than how I was yesterday.
I’ve been thinking of my past. There have been a lot of butterfly effects in my life, like when I moved to another neighborhood after I was accepted to this special academic program at age 5. I met one of my friends, H. and we hung out a lot, eating ice cream and watching movies, creating invaluable memories with her cousin, her mom and my dad. My friend’s mother is really kind because my mother was always working and couldn’t spend time with me. I wish that I could have a friend to do those things now, but it feels scary as an adult because I’m more aware of the frightening things that can possibly happen to me.
Now, H. and I happen to go to the same college, as we recognized each other in an art class. I genuinely do hope she is doing well, even if I have her number in my phone. I often look at the old graduation pictures of us together, along with other friends.
I went to the glasses store a few weeks ago and her mother was there with her husband. I completely forgot that this man existed to be honest, but my dad jogged my memory, that he was there for a halloween event in the past. We always used to go trick or treating every year too until I started middle school.
He called me “baby” but in an endearing way, and it was the first time in a very long time I felt appreciated, safe and accepted by my community. I understand why my parents procrastinated on the idea of moving - they were borderline extreme hoarders back in 2019, it was insane and I felt scared for my well-being. I am grateful for my online friend D. who convinced me to leave my family, even if it was temporarily. I was only 12-13 back then.
Is too much retrospective too much? How many times am I going to break, shatter and build myself up again? I’m not worthless due to my race, I just put a price tag on my soul due to how even the most niche of societies could possibly view me. The ones I crave acceptance from the most.
I need to write something in private before I get to it here..
10:44
It appears that I got a bit triggered. I was looking at this anime-esque art piece that had gone viral recently, and it made me feel scrunitized somehow, like being in the center of attention as if I was that art piece, even though I honestly look nothing like that art piece… and how people may possibly expect me to look like, TBH.
I know this might sound really vulnerable and weird, but this is the place to do it.
My entire life, I guess I wanted to be “moe”. I know that sounds insane coming from a 19-year old woman, and I can understand why so many women (not all women) are adverse to anime and otaku culture. I know that saying that I want to be “moe” is a heavy statement, but I really just want to be perceived as cute.
My ex told me a few years ago that all I want to do is to be worshiped. That simultaneously broke and confused me at the same time, especially because they were aware of my current partner. I feel like if I try to dig too much into the meaning of that statement, I might hurt myself or stunt myself. I can’t even accept it backhandedly, acting like that’s how I wanted to be all this time. I genuinely think he got confused for “the girl everyone says she looks like me” who was genuinely carrying herself with that outlook on life for years. I still do not know what they meant by that.
I guess he was referring to my need to be seen, craved and loved. I just feel stressed remembering it because I genuinely did like him but then my trauma played a big role in everything just dissolving and becoming something entirely new for the most part. My normal life as I knew it, was changed and gone forever thanks to this one evil person, and my afterlife after everything was said and done, was yet again changed and gone forever thanks to the same evil person.
I wish that I didn't constantly feel like I was going to die, to be honest.. But I'm getting off-track here, right?
I missed when people would say my giggles were cute, that I looked like a doll, and that people said affectionate things like just wanting to hold me. That’s probably why I put k. #2 on a pedestal so much in my head because I believed he would say all of those sweet nothings to me one day as long as we kept helping each other…
He called me cute one day, and I didn't know what to say. I felt happy that I was finally valued in the same way he viewed his other obsessions. I am a grooming victim at the end of the day though. I don’t know if I really want to touch upon the horrendous things I went through ages 13-18. I feel as though I'm Asuka if Kaji actually reciopercated her feelings.
I want to be moe. My obsession of being cute was far worse in high school to the point where it agitated the other female classmates that I had which frustrated them TBH. i didnt know what to do, i didnt know how to act or adjust except for suppress myself because i just wanted to be understood and be friends with people that i have to see every fucking day for months. But in the end, I was alone after the crowd dissolved. No matter what. Even if I styled my hair differently, even if I spoke or was quiet the entire day, I was seen, not engaged with and that lingered on my person for a while.
I think this happened due to my middle school experience. No offense genuinely but i can tell who’s had a positive to so-so experience in middle school by just talking to them. My middle school experience was terrible, being sexually harassed literally the first day of class, and other nightmares. I wished I went to a happier middle school where I was understood, I could escape my home life where I was neglected to an insane degree and I had friends that would care for me and even have a boyfriend. That is still clearly on my mind 6-7 years later even though I am an adult and those days are far behind me now. I don't know how to heal and I thought talking to bad people would help me feel a whole lot better. I'm incredibly numb and I do not remember any instances of my ex-partner doing sexual things to me or looking back fondly on the times where we watched anime together. I wish someone told me earlier that just because I thought it would make me happy doesn't mean it actually will.
I'm stuck with memories of k. #2, my groomer/abuser, my ex before he changed, and other nightmares.
I just wanted to be loved. So even if it's perceived in their eyes that I want to be “worshipped”, so be it.
Somehow even though I nipped several long-term emotional problems in the butt in this section of my entry, I feel like I never got into my feelings of wanting to be “moe”. If only I had a partner to seriously talk about this desire with… I have S., but we aren’t dating, i know that he believes in me though..
Fin
Sep. 1 2025 | 08:11
Happy September. The month of schoolwork and new beginnings (`･ω･´)
I’m really excited to start school again, but I have a few days until it officially begins for me. I still have time to study my old textbook : 0
I woke up to my brother and father arguing.. A common occurrence, but this time, my father has had enough of my brother.. He officially is kicking him out.
Surprisingly enough, I don’t feel comfortable sharing my raw feelings on this instance entirely. I just feel a sense of relief after he wrecked terror on our entire family for decades at this point. My mother once said that my brother and I were demon children but I think she was mainly referring to my brother to be honest..
16:32
I’m back from exercising. My airpods suddenly “died” (I put it in quotes because it had 50% charge yet it kept saying it was going to die) so I could only exercise for around 15 minutes without any distractions.. I burnt 48 calories in that time span though :0
So that’s neat.
Aug. 31 2025 | 10:43
I’m very excited for September to begin, because I’d be almost done with this part of my college career. I personally love studying, it’s just that I need more discipline. I probably won’t have a lot of time to study Japanese unless I’m at my college’s club. I need to think about what could be my club hours.
I have a few days until school officially starts again to review my old textbook of last semester before I have to return it. I want to make sure I’m up to date on my knowledge. I think a last-minute review before the next semester can be useful.
I need to change
Just like how one of my favorite anime’s endings goes, “I want to change”.
I told my friends about K. #2 and they were horrified. I’m adjusting to my new perspective once more.
I feel like I need to re-evaluate what I do on a daily basis and save myself, like what A. told me. I keep meeting strange people, yet it’s not my fault that my standards are questionable. Yes, yesterday I did say that I wanted an otaku boyfriend but now it’s like, I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I don’t know if I’ll continue to watch that anime I was watching yesterday either. I just have to be more Hikiko-orienated and I’m not sure how. It’s not about spending less screen time, here are things that I could try doing more of:
o Meditation
o Watching anime alone
o Go to club events
o Study more often
o Watch more movies
I think that can be helpful. What I’m doing now is not it, even though I am trying my best now, I can do even better..!
So yeah.
I don’t know when I’ll be back to continue my chronically online activities..
I feel like remembering K. #2 is a plague to me and my well-being. Everyone wants to throw tomatoes at me but not share methods of how I can improve, until now. It was exhausting but now I can finally start to see the light. I need to be more of myself...
Love, Hikiko
Aug. 30 2025 | 18:51
I’m not listening nor eating anything right now, although I did have some sausage pizza and BBQ wings.. Yay
I was busy at the [home] studio. I made my first song in 8 months.
I hope that you like it.
I don’t really have much on my mind today, although I was thinking of my relationship with femininity as a nonbinary girl (I’m AFAB).
I might update this in the future about my struggles, but I don't know, wouldn't want anyone to TRY to invalidate them.
Aug. 29 2025 | 12:14
Listening to:青い空に浮かぶ月のように - 1999Mix by Ryoko Hirosue
Eating: Deep-fried bread…
Yep, I’m just as upset about me eating deep-fried bread as you are. I honestly find it best to not eat anything than to eat needless things personally. If I needed anymore proof to make a change in my life and realize that my mother doesn’t actually care about my diet, exercise and self-image goals, that was fucking it. WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE GIVE ME DEEP FRIED BREAD FOR ME TO EAT. DEEP-FRIED. BREAD.
What the actual fuck. I don’t care if it’s cultural food. She has the audacity to nag me about exercising when she doesn’t even care about how I feel inside, and expects me to have an established exercise routine that’s almost up to an hour instantly instead of working up to it, while she lays down and asks us to do chores that a simple housewife should be capable of doing.
Once again, I just about had it. My sense of urgency has honestly been subdued because my parents promised me a comfortable living space since last year and they haven’t updated me on anything related to it in 2 weeks. My father still says that I need a faster sense of urgency before things get worse for me, but my parents always find a way to slow me down and subdue me until now. I have to get an internship, I have to get a job, I have to find a way to move out of this hellhole and for good, so I can cut off any contact with my parents and my brother for good. It begins today, and if not, the beginning of September. I’m not in school for fun.
Anyways Hirosue-san sounds so cute in this song, I love her works so much
19:25
I really like this song, it makes me feel as though I am being seen by the entire universe all at once. Round Table and Nino hit it out of the ballpark again with amazing music, like what they did for Chobits. Although, it does make me feel a little anxious and afraid, like it's making me feel all of these special and memorable feelings but I wonder if I'll ever be able to experience it with someone else by my side. I really do hope I will find love someday.
Remember when I said I might be becoming another K. #2? Anime was really part of his escapism and I think that might be becoming my reality as well..
Well, I'll see you later.
Hi. I feel a bit better today because I met someone that was genuinely kind. I mean, it’s not like I don’t meet kind people very often, it’s just that they are very genuine and translucent with their intentions. I like them :3
Did you know if you microwave hard cookies with it wrapped in a paper towel, they become soft?
(I feel like a mameshiba saying that…)
(Maybe I should make a mameshiba OC..)
I don’t have much to say because there’s not much troubling me right now.
Maybe I was lying. Feeling like I'm teethering in the middle of living and suicide. Although, I have been this way after the aftermath of K. #2's departure, just at a different intensity and frequency.
I think I have terrible body dysmorphia and it's going under the radar at the hospital I'm going to because I guess I still look conventional. I had one guy ask me if I want to go out with him but I felt so flustered and confused because we literally just met that I rejected him right away. However after spending some more time with him he told me he's on a break with someone else so there's that. My emotional reflexes saved me from a hot mess ig
I'm going to quote the lyrics to "Penalty" by Yukiko Okada because I'm bored.
泣き出しそうなグレイの空
naki dashisou na gurei no sora
動き始めたワイパー
ugoki hajimeta waipaa
言い訳さえ見つからずに
iiwake sae mitsukarazu ni
カレディオだけが歌う
karedio dake ga utau
my darling my darling 許して
my darling my darling yurushite
あの日彼と出かけた
ano hi kare to dekaketa
一度だけの過ち
ichido dake no ayamachi
もう何も聞かないで
mou nani mo kikanaide
愛を試す女の子の
ai wo tamesu onna no ko no
本命はいつでもジェラシー
honmei wa itsudemo jerashii
あなたのことこんなにまで
anata no koto konna ni made
傷つけたのはペナルティ
kizutsuketa no wa penaruti
my darling my darling 許して
my darling my darling yurushite
黙り込んだ横顔
damarikonda yokogao
涙こぼれる頬に
namida koboreru hoho ni
もうキスしてくれない
mou kisu shite kurenai
時を戻されるなら
toki wo modosareru nara
何でもするけれど
nandemo suru keredo
あなたの笑顔をもう二度と変えないの
anata no egao wo mou nidoto kaeranai no
my darling my darling 許して
my darling my darling yurushite
雨の言葉に消された
ame no koto ni kesareta
愛の言葉信じて
ai no kotoba shinjite
please love me again
please love me again
my darling my darling 許して
my darling my darling yurushite
あの日彼と出かけた
ano hi kare to dekaketa
一度だけの過ち
ichido dake no ayamachi
please hold me again
please hold me again
my darling my darling 許して
my darling my darling yurushite
黙り込んだ横顔
damarikonda yokogao
涙こぼれる頬に
namida koboreru hoho ni
please kiss me again
please kiss me again
my darling my darling 許して
my darling my darling yurushite
"Fine, I'll do it myself" (Part III)
17:55
i've absolutely had it. i'm tired of living like a depressed puppy. i'll try my best to re-organize my room and get out of this slump, even though i have been incredibly productive this entire month: drawing, networking and creating website(s). my ex who believed so strongly that i didn't know how to take care of myself at all suggested that i should give myself the needs and wants that i desire right now instead of relying on my partner - but that confuses me because a lot of people ask their partners for all sorts of things.. why does he underestimate how independent i am? i know everyone's perspective of me is different but i hate how he half-assed our relationship.. fuck off, M., wherever you are..
i'm prepared with my pair of glasses and i have a therapy appointment tomorrow so like.. i'm probably going to spend that day entirely offline. i need to be alone i think. i've been starting to become co-dependent on too many people all at once and i would like some space, even if my own mother cannot respect that.
i'm having a fit and i'm trying to restrain myself right now from having a splitting episode. since this is my own personal blog, i don't really have to explain what that is.. even if it's public. i just feel disappointed because after like 2 years of being online after a long as fuck hiatus, i've learnt lessons, but how many lessons am i going to learn before i can finally fucking relax? where's my vacation??
so yeah. i think i need to private some of my other socials as well, i don't feel comfortable on my tiktok where i made a vent character, public.. i just wanted to receive some validation for my art and i have a stable platform for that now.
i'm not online for a spook. i can geninuely be a very lonely person..
i'm gonna make a list of what i can do today instead of waiting for September for start. i hope no one feels like i'm ghosting them or something, i just need some time alone.
A edit I made of Ami Suzuki. Love her music o
This song is so good help, I miss listening to this album in 2018.. back when things were a little bit more easier to understand. Excuratingly painful, yet easy to understand.
Therapy is tomorrow and I'm honestly not looking forward to it, to be honest. I feel like I might've moved on from needing dire help right now, I just need to improve on distracting myself whenever I have suicidal thoughts. It's both a good and bad thing that I don't have any immediate access to sharp objects.. for now, anyway.. :p
I love this song so much as well. Somehow it makes me feel as though the producer may have known me from a past life, and it reminds me of my hope to have a... otaku boyfriend? No wonder I found the protagonist of Welcome to the NHK cute.. ☺️🥺👉👈
Nani the heck.. siinamota just randomly started playing on my Spotify shuffle.. does Spotify want me to sob violently at this hour?! I didn't put him on my queue at all.. it is a good song though that sort of fits today's vibes for me personally.. I was just reminsicing on when I brought one of his CD's for the first time as well. "White Letter" is next, too.. my eyes are tearing up, writing this.. 🥲
Someone remind me to get a Yukko CD..
Aug. 27 2025 | 05:06
Listening to: 花ち - Tea Party
Hi.
Last night, I was reminiscing again. Instead of imagining me being a little doll to someone else, like a cute and kind guy, like what usually goes inside my mind when it’s idle, I had a re-occuring thought/memory that comes and goes.
I miss how my mother used to be. The one who would cut pizza slices into tiny squares for me to eat, the one who adorned me with Disney Princess toys and merchandise, and the one that loved to take pictures of me with expensive cameras. If I did have that same treatment in a future relationship of mine, I believe that my life would be complete and my heart will be fulfilled. That’s why I kept hating myself for leaving K. but I feel better now thanks to my new friend, N.
I feel and still feel envious for a while towards people who have supportive family members, especially in niche interests that can be misunderstood. People that are truly ungrateful neglect feeling grateful. Everything around them spoils due to their neglectful nature. I can finally see through everyone who was pretending to have trauma around me throughout my time online, and surprisingly, the grass is very green on my side. What a bunch of bumbling idiots..
I am a little annoyed at myself for being so trusting, but I’ll try to put it aside for now. Um, it’s probably because of my massive amount of hope. . .
Something I wanted to acknowledge for a while is that, while I was trying to join new clubs and find my social footing in my college, there was this duo that always puzzled me. There was this older guy who constantly carried a camera and took pictures of this girl who's around the same age as me. He reminds me of K. #2. We even went to the same high school, me and that girl. He takes pictures of her even without any clear purpose, just in her day to day life or as a "test". I rarely see him take photos of anyone else. It would be nice to have my picture taken in a time where I feel confident.. I guess I am a little envious, but nothing will happen to them. ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა
Holy F***, I forgot how much this song meant to me. It all came back once I heard the "死ね！" sample. I loved watching the source material clip of where that sample came from to the point where I wanted to sample it in my own music when I was experimenting with it, until people gave me inconceivable advice.. I was also listening to Sewerslvt when I was in high school, and was dating my abuser. He was worried about my mental health, but I was actually sound and happy that I felt seen. Even though my abuser constantly wanted to do erotic things with me and he got that more than most of the time, I never felt more invisible and translucent. I really don't know what the fuck his problem is, 2020-2022 was terrible social wise for me, but the precursor to that pain was 2019. But, I'm still happy to discover Sewerslvt's music.
(Forgive me if my parasocialness is creepy ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა)
Yesterday, I confided in someone that I'm terrified to watch anime that's about some NEET guy falling in love with a nice girl, since I suppose, that was the situation I was in with K. #2. I would probably spend the entire time pulling my skin off for the entirety of the anime. I feel braver now so I might start the anime with that premise today and see if I really want that kind of love to find me again.
Random Image that'll waste Neocities' Storage Space moment
😃
I devote this song to K. #2.
At first, the song I devoted to him was Uninstall by Chiaki Ishikawa, but I was granted with a new perspective and I am deeply grateful for that.
10:44
I got some fried tilapia for breakfast, but I don't feel like eating, I'm just in that much of a happy mood. I find myself smiling a lot as well, even if my mother constantly asks me, "what's so funny". Can't a girl smile?
In the past, I found myself starving because I lost my appetite due to events that happened to be online. I've been having the feeling that I need to take big chances, so that's what I'm doing,,
12:30
I watched the first episode of Welcome to the N.H.K.
Doesn’t the N.H.K. stand for Japan Broadcasting Corporation?
With that in mind, (I am aware that NHK possibly stands for something else in the anime) it’s really reminding me of those white American guys who are obsessed who strongly believe in conspiracy theories related to the news stations, politics, etc.. It can explain why this anime started to get popular in some English-speaking communities, but I’ve only just begun so I shouldn’t make too broad of a generalized stroke over this.
For some reason, I kept giggling whenever I saw the main character, Sato on screen. He’s just.. Really cute to me? I’m concerned that I’m going to start yumeshipping myself with him. I don’t think Misaki is a problematic character though. I faced my fear and watched that direct scene of Misaki sharing her exact intentions with Sato. It wasn’t as bad as I feared. Note how I said “feared”, not “thought” because I have managed to disassociate my emotions from the reality of my thoughts.
Oddly enough, watching this anime is making me miss K. #2 less and less. I actually saw the first episode of this anime a while ago but didn’t know what to make of it and honestly felt a bit weirded out by the brief NSFW scenes.
This anime reminds me of a student film I saw a while ago, too. I wouldn’t be surprised if the film makers took inspiration from this anime in some shape or form, a little, even though their whole premises are entirely different because I do believe the creator of the film is a little bit of an otaku, in my honest opinion.
She looks like a combination of Digi Charat and Pururin, heh..
I don’t know why I find pathetic guys cute, they just are, and I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.
Every friend that is a girl’s reaction to me pursuing emotionally unavailable men who would rather gaze at a drawn body than a real one:
(Yes, I’m using the gifs that I have saved in my site files quite carelessly because I finally seem to break the cycle, with help ofc).
I don’t know if I’ll ever show one of those friends-thats-a-girl this blog, TBH.
Nostalgia Fiend
Current Status:
I think I am good at emulating nostalgia from the past for a splendora of reasonings - but I think it's because I learnt how to enjoy myself in the moment, especially in life-defining moments (you can tell that via your feelings), with a weird combination of superb memory. As mentioned earlier, I can remember a lot of memories from my childhood, like for instance, when I was in Kindergarten and I was rushing to zip my coat up, but the zipper kept getting stuck. I remember the advice a older person told me, to not cry too quickly when things become stressful (I was someone who often cried). I gave it a few more times before I started crying, and my teacher came to help me. I still appreciate and remember her warmth and kindness, even more than 10+ years later. I think she was Hawaiian because my graduation party was themed in a Hawaiian sense. I do wish her safe and happy wishes, as she was also the one who saw my potential for that special school program, which was both a blessing and a curse.
I'm not a fan of people making fake broadcasts, commmercials and more and labelling it as geniune things from the past. I can see right through them, they don't have me fooled.. I would prefer it if people were more honest, because geniune emotions attached with real memories are absolutely invaluable. I guess I learnt that via my mother's camera collection and usage. I really miss how my mom used to be... I mean, she's still here, just.. depressed for like, a decade or two now..
Flashback moment. I'm remembering when I was new to making music, still pretty much am, and my mind was a sea of thoughts about K. #2 and the potential we could've had, but also a bunch of blaming myself.. I used to listen to Whirrl obsessively, to the point where it inspired my very first song that I completed..I'm going to listen to the instrumental of the song I produced, now.
I think I'm going to rejoin tumblr again, but I don't think I will abandon this website at all, I worked really hard of it. There just seems to be a greater sense of community on there right now. I must block kokobot though.. it always connected me to unhelpful and cynical people. It will make it easier to find web graphics as well.
I am also considering showing you all some bits and bobs of my music on there as well. Frick, some of the bad people I met in the past are on there, I still remember their username, so I'm going to block them as soon as I make the account. All I really want is...
..Fuck this. I really want to make music right now, even if to "well-tuned ears", it seems like I have no rhyme or reason. I need to express myself. Once I started using my DAW it was like the grand opening of pandora's box for me. I have a vision for a brand new tune.. it doesn't matter if you enjoy it or not... let my heart sing. :)
I know that I will "improve" if I put my mind to it and try..
I'm so bored. I feel like my new friend forgot about me. That tends to happen a lot. People forget things that aren't really important to them. I literally cannot distract myself enough because my ex-abuser had groomed me so much that I am naturally co-dependent to a fault to people who are decent to me and talk about some sexual things with me.. I mean this person hadn't done anything with me... I can't wait to be older, hopefully I'll find someone that will adore me, actually, this time. I really am not a fan of my abuser's treatment towards me. Fuck off (Directed to him).
21:20
I'm back from trying to make some music. From what I've learnt from more experienced musicians than myself, you must always start with the drums. The drums that I ended up producing sounded nothing like the idealized song I had in my mind.. I might have to listen to my recent music-making attempt from earlier this year to observe and absorb my output a bit more. I think I may continue to be more private with my music, because truth be told, my family doesn't, and has never supported my creative endeavors. The only thing they did to support me is buy a few drawing tablets and let me go to a high school that was primarily focused on preparing art and creative students, just for them to hover over me during the course selection periods.
I am trying my best to make music, but I wish someone was there to hold my hand through the process. My parents never let me consider music-making a chance for myself as a child. For some reason, that was just out of the picture for someone like me. It was probably because my mother was busy working and someone couldn't take me for lessons, I suppose, but then, I was taken for ballerina lessons and other extracurricular activities when I was around 7-10 years old, so there's that.
I tried taking a beginner piano class but I was being subtly bullied by this girl who was already very experienced with piano, yet she was there to help other people like me while being a perfectionist bitch about it the entire time, which discouraged me. She just stared at me the entire time, me individually, and ignoring the other people who were doing the same things as me that "irked" her in her eyes and singled me out. It was very uncomfortable.
I might write more about my music making journey later. I can't help but imagine the people who did try to give my music a chance was secretly thinking of this button in their heads:
So yeah.. it's just a fun hobby to help me express myself. I don't need to become the best musician imaginable to everyone else's standards, that's too stressful. I even managed to purchase Synthesizer V for my hobby, I achieved one of my childhood goals of beginning to produce music with a voice synthesizer, so.. yaaay.
Aug. 26, 2025 | 08:59
Listening to: Shinsei Kamattechan - 友達なんていらない死ね
Eating: Scrambled Eggs & Bacon (it came with french toast, but i don’t wanna eat it)
Why is my life plagued with such tragedy?
My mother says that bread is fattening, so I’m not really motivated to eat the french toast that came with my breakfast today unless I’m starving.
I rejoined a server that was really important to me. There was someone I confided in, that didn’t acknowledge me at all once I rejoined.
Yes, I know my life sucks, I am so unluuckyyy (sarcasm)
I feel uncomfortable because it appears that secretly she’s a person that wants to rip off my skin just to wear it as an aesthetic. I honestly found her annoying yet I still confided in her to give a potential friendship a chance, just for her to pretend that I never existed once I re-joined. She also shares the same zodiac sign with that partner of that liar who was acting unabashedly like a womanchild. I really do try to not make broad generalizations of astrology studies, but it’s causing me to make strict categorizations inside of my mind again on who to avoid.
I feel exhausted, mainly because before I can take care of myself, I have to acknowledge and take care of my mother’s needs, although she’s the one who abused me in the first place. I should’ve just fucking left.
There’s a minor in a server that I’m in, and I had it with her. I’m tired of her constantly being in voice chat with one person that I want to get to know more as a friend, doing meaningless things to fill the time. Most of the time, she isn’t even working on something, just playing random games no one asked for, for “entertainment”. I wish this server was 18+ so I don’t have to deal with this nonsense. Then another minor called me a bitch for no apparent reason. They’re like an infectious plague of mice and rats, just in human form. I’ve been trying to not see minors as an annoying genre of netizens online, and I haven’t regretted changing my mindset for the most part, but this one in particular really annoys me a bit.
I'm gonna finally crash out and maybe come out a Jirai Kei in the end. I honestly feel that my mind has reached it's limit in 2022 and now I may be broken, even though I try my best to push through life's challenges and obstacles, and attempt to keep functioning, like a old toy that tries its best to entertain despite having rusty old batteries. I've even pushed through with catchy catchphrases and mottos in my head such as "who cares if people hate me?" (what I really meant to say is "who cares if people think I'm problematic" but "problematic" is like a catch-all term nowadays for being stupid online) and just expressing myself to my heart's content as observed by C., one of my best friends online.
I feel trapped in a cycle and I wish someone can come and save me to break me out of it, because fucking believe me, I've been doing my part. I don't desire to return back to my mindset of how I was when I was a teenager at all, I was anxious all the time, and I don't even know if I was really doing my best, but that's the inevitable truth - I was. My OCD was rampaging on my poor soul, along with undiagnosed BPD running rampant. I joined support groups for it, even if they clearly weren't right for me at the time and met three notable people. One of these people was K.
I don't want to get into all of the nitty gritty details as of now. I can't watch anime like Madoka Magica anymore, it caused me to create questionable artwork and it reminds me that I couldn't even fufill that, but I don't exist to save people like a magical girl does, even if it's a nice little motif to "relate" to in a successful romantic relationship where you "SaVeD yOuR pArTnEr".
I'm tired of being surrounded with people that just want to use me or look down at me.
Suprisingly I didn't tick when writing this.. I don't know if I really want to be a Jirai Kei right now, especially with all of that jiraimaxxing nonsense on TikTok.
Forgot about how absolutely perfect this track is.
I've been listening to one of my favorite artists again, although I have many, over 300. It's prompting me to feel retrospective all over again. I think I stayed with my biological parents because I saw my baby album when I was born into this world. I cried a few times upon discovering it, and I made sure to show my classmates and teachers it because they wanted to see the class roster as babies, to make a final memory video of our class, as we were in a special program.
I can't help but think, why was I born? I know that I'm a rainbow child, and I have a feeling that if my mother waited any longer to have a child, I arguably would've never been born. That's why I don't give the thought of "I should've been younger" anymore thought than a subtle acknowledgement soon to be ignored.
Because I worked my arse off my website when I could've been watching anime, I'm going to try and promote my website around a bit. I do find myself charmed by the designs, layout, color choices and graphics..
The position life put me in now, I can't help but feel to be a little desperate. Also I linked that song because not only am I listening to it, but my longtime friend, J./S. likes that artist and even owns a CD of hers. Suprisingly, his mother gifted him one. I do hope he is geninuely okay, besides the years of bickering we had. And Fuck K. #1 (not the K. I adore, the one that ghosted me).
hitomi does have good music..
I finally feel better, as if I can breathe in the present day instead of gasping air into a sea of yesterdays. I can't help but write poetically at times, so please bare with me. The present, is awesome right now as I can see. I have a therapist, I have a cute guy that believes in me (even if we aren't dating!!), I can code my own website and add aesthetically pleasing edits to it at any time, and I'm currently enrolled in a college. Everything is going to be okay, in Hikiko's world - especially because I will it to be. I believe in me, therefore it will all be okay.
Special thanks/shoutout to my friends A., P., and N. for checking out this website and making me feel alright.
I'm feeling myself again ~ 🎵
(Sorry for all the music sharing, I just absolutely love listening to music, tee-hee.)
But yes, thanks to my persistence of trying to find people to connect to online, and my undying passion for creative projects, I have made it here, to the reset screen. I finally feel more capable of helping and thinking for myself. Thank you. ありがとう。
15:33
My theme song right now!! ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ
16:33
Just stimming while listening to my diverse playlist of Japanese bops ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡
18:16
Everyday we stray further from God
20:54
Get to Know Me On A Surface Level
Hi, my name is Hikiko, as you can tell from the left panel.. Um, my friend N. recommended that I should write about my interests and hobbies!
My favorite video game right now is Animal Crossing. I used to play Splatoon on an addict's level, I had currently logged about 900+ hours on my Wii U for the first game a few years ago. While my parents were “cleaning” they lost the disc and box for the game, I don’t know if I’ll ever see it again (that was one of my prized possessions fr ), so that’s depressing to think about. I think I adore Animal Crossing because it’s so easy to get into, and the adorable animal villagers are a bonus.
I have watched around 100 different anime series, but the ones that resonate with me the most are School Days, Elfen Lied, Takopi’s Original Sin and Evangelion. I definitely plan to watch a lot more anime, such as classics from the Showa era, and some from the Heisei era.
My hobbies are coding, designing things such as clothes and websites, drawing and more. For an unknown reason, I cannot understand image editing programs so I make my website mockups all in an art program (I used to use a physical sketchbook for it). Unfortunately, the program doesn’t respond when I open it these days, but I’ve gotten good at just conceptualizing a design from my head.
One of my general interests is insects. I always found them cute and endearing, and they help the world around us more than we could ever know. My favorite insect is the rollie pollie. If I had to choose a pet, though, I would pick a guinea pig or a hamster. They are so cute, and maayybee Hamtaro influenced that train of thought for me.
I also really like pastel colors. They are soft on the eyes, and I feel like I resonate with them the most.
Hope you all enjoyed reading this.
If you would like to chat, I am available on Reddit. Please don’t send weird disgusting things.
21:25
I'm back from exercising once more. I feel like something is wrong with my walking pad but I can't pinpoint what exactly. I walked for around 10-15 minutes again today. My body is waking up a bit more..
I'm not sure why I constantly feel so bored all of the time. I made a website to satsify my boredom and yet, I still feel bored.. also I feel a bit annoyed that my mother brought Mcdonald's tonight when she knows I'm exercising on a daily basis.. I'll have to exercise more tomorrow if I eat any of that, and I don't know if I'm mentally ready for something like that.
Aug. 25, 2025 | 10:46
Listening to: Jhene Aiko - stranger Eating: A Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwich
I got to get out of here, but how?
It’s a typical day in the Hikiko household.. My brother verbally abused everyone in his sight, my father secretly calling my mother “retarded” under his breath, and my mother continuing to request everyone to do simple tasks for her. I have an extremely good memory so I remember every fine detail of my childhood, so I don’t exactly desire to become younger again but I do wish I can return to the times where K. was here. I can’t look and depend on reality and how it was back then because my mind was scrambled with school assignments, bullying at school and my mental state reaching an all-time low. I started to misunderstand things heavily, make assumptions and other things that just weren’t exactly real but realistic in my reality. I hated how my English teacher took the time to be “experimental” with idiotic questions like “what is a chair” in our assignments.. I know that was three years ago, but I still feel like I’m in these circumstances as if they are still current and I just feel like running away..
Today’s dilemma was fiddling around with headers and footers. Once again, an alteration of a single line of code or two solves the whole problem. I worked hard to make sure everything looked readable in Phoenix Code, just for it to fail me by causing a lot of notable errors in the Neocities Code Editor.
Thanks to some assistance from P. (my dear friend) and some fiddling around for around 4 hours, and a touch of mysterious magic, my website is finally complete!
I’m honestly currently in a good mood because we’re getting Chipotle, I had the status’ meal for breakfast. I can’t wait to chow down then exercise.. Hehe
Although, I did kinda want this to be a negative emotion recorder, not a neutral/happy emotion recorder. I might sign in and update it only when I’m feeling godawful. I was feeling quite fearful and miserable until P. helped me out and the result I was trying to do with my blog just randomly appeared, so there’s that, I guess. Yay
Before I go, I wanted to describe and define my name to you all. Hikiko isn’t my actual name. It’s a nickname from the Japanese term, “Hikikomori”. I chose this name because being a hikikomori for a short period of time last year had brought me great comfort for the most part, although it is troublesome to recover from that type of period in your life. I also found a name analysis page for Hikiko. It also reminds me of Hikaru Utada's nickname too, "Hikki". ☺️
I'm back from exercising.. I could only do it for around 10 minutes. My entire body feels depressed, but my therapist would say that I've reached a adequete goal for today. She told me in order to get into a exercise routine, I have to start by a little each day. Tomorrow I can hopefully do 20, if not, 15 minutes. I managed to burn 32 calories, so there's that.
I think I may becoming another K. I still can't believe my ex made me abandon him. I'll never forgive him for that.
However, to get to the point, I'm listening to "Gyspy Bard" by Pinkie Pie right now. I always liked the song growing up, but I always felt a soft tense feeling of stress on my heart as I try my best to enjoy the moment with MLP material. I don't feel that way with watching Strawberry Shortcake (2009). It took me a while to fall back into consuming SS '09 because I had a profile picture from that show when everyone chose to hurt me and my reputation just because I had a simple crush on someone that was taken (no, I did not try to hurt the status of anyone's relationships) and I was a recovering abuse victim.
When I walk in the room, I shimmer, but that's not always a good thing.
Anyways, returning back to MLP discussion, I always felt a bit of stress when listening and engaging with the show, especially the more I grew up. I felt like I couldn't fit in with the rest of the fandom. Something about me is particularly different but I can't exactly pinpoint why. I'm so tired of society, I try my best to stay in line and get ridiculed for it, I try my best to comfort myself, and I get insulted for it. I need to stop going off-topic here. Recently I've been forcing myself to be grateful for paper scraps so I can get more scraps to hopefully have a better, beautiful image - especially after losing my special FP. I hope he's okay out there, I miss you..
The MLP fandom felt like a special group of oddballs. Knowing that most people that I knew that were immature and tried to hurt me but were also in commited relationships were also in commited relationships were 23-25 years old, it gives me hope to keep on living, in hopes that love can just land in my lap instead of passing me like a summer's breeze. Regarding the MLP fandom, it's just that somehow I couldn't fit in with even the pegasisters and the bronies, even though I do geninuely like some aspects of the show. I just didn't like it or enjoy it as much as Powerpuff Girls (1998), Strawberry Shortcake (2009) and other shows.. and I'm trying to say that it's okay. I have a friend from Japan who's been supporting me monetarily as a artist on tumblr, and that felt nice to get that support, but I need closeness.
I still can't imagine my life if I never met K.
I always end up talking about him.. even if some people want me to die.. even if some people want me to shut up.. it always ends up being related to him.
22:43
So of course I find myself listening to music tonight, like every night. This track is absolutely amazing. From the corners of the internet woods where you think you would find people that resonate with this kind of music and create it, I would've never thought or believed that I could resonate with one of their creations. It just seemed obscure to me, and incompatible. Even though there appears to be many similar aspects of my life to theirs based off their samples, their knowledge and music taste, it feels like we are polar opposites. I want to connect, though, and appreciate other people. I try to leave a stranger, a stranger though. This post is open-ended, just like people, so think of this what you will - just don't bitch on my page about your interpretation on it.
Another song from my childhood, or err, well, teenhood.
It's funny how I lived my entire life in America, yet I resonate to a lot of Japanese and experimental music.
God, that song I was writing about earlier is still on my mind. They're amazing... すごいですね。。
Aug. 24, 2025 | 15:30
Listening to: Folder 5 - FINAL FUN BOY Eating: Mozzarella Sticks, Tilapia and Mashed P*tat*es (I hate potatoes)
Multi-talented She-Bastard
I think joining a server that focuses on the creation of manga has temporarily depressed my creative yearns. I mean, I joined it because I am looking for community and I want to write quality works, something similar to An Nakahara or Mia Ikumi, but I’m not a fan of the owner’s constant nitpicking and preference of misunderstanding my intentions in my writing. I think I should just leave her an ignorant soul when it comes to my creative world. Someone from the same server also complimented me, stating that my writing is better than my artwork. I always believed that my writing was exceptional, but I guess if I were to weigh things on a comparison scale, my writing could weigh more, but I do work tirelessly on my artwork as well. I should just leave, especially considering the aggressive outliners of the main active crew (me, the owner, the guy who made that strange compliment and this guy that teases the owner) are the ones making the group chat more lively nowadays.
I have barely any energy and patience to work on my website for some reason. It might be because my art program where I made mockups suddenly crapped its pants and doesn’t want to cooperate with me anymore..
Suddenly, my day is disorganized even though I have plans to watch an anime and walk on my walking pad today. I wish my mother would fucking stop hovering over me, especially because I turn 20 years of age in less than 5 months. My therapist suggested that if I ignore her enough, she will eventually get up and do something about whatever she’s requesting other people to do. Something is always wrong with her, and now she says that she can barely walk, so we have to do simple tasks for her. My mother is not at a elderly level at all, and my grandmother who’s fortunately still alive is a lot more active than her. I don’t understand why my mother believes a life of ordering take-out foods and asking her family to do simple tasks such as getting something to drink, throw away her food and pick up food deliveries is a life of bliss for her.
I’m starting to become afraid when I feel strong emotions, especially because I don’t have a partner to help stabilize me at times. I have a therapist, but I hate how my past partner tried to make it out and seem like I have no self care skills at all whatsoever. I hate him.
My friend of 10-11 years is talking to me right now, but I just got ghosted by the other one who knew me for that exact amount of time for an unknown reason. I’m just about sick of people leaving my life without trying to repair what could’ve possibly gone wrong between us - I just label them as cowards.
I don’t know how I’m going to plan everything out, especially because I have to mentally prepare myself every-fucking-day for a new meaningless task my mother requests for me to do. She doesn’t suffer from a disability, she just finds things much easier if she scrapes it onto someone else’s plate. 😐
I think I’m also losing some sanity points by constantly listening to Japanese pop/party music whenever I feel down - there’s nothing wrong with the music, it just powerfully reframes whatever task I’m doing. There is literally no time to be sad where I live because not only do I live in a city that never sleeps, but my mother will find something for me to do and pressure me to do it, because she renders herself mentally incapable of doing simple tasks.
I didn’t want to say it, especially so outwardly, but god, I’m starting to hate my life. I’m tired of receiving a range of controlling, already-committed to careless exes, I’m sick of my mother’s laziness, I wish my brother can just fuck off and I wish my father can stop being such a doormat.
I’m listening to another song right now, rather than the one in my status (that one ended). It’s difficult for me to put my emotions into words, especially after my ex-friend spread rumors about how I felt about this artist. I will tackle that in the next paragraph. For now, I really feel seen and dare I say, feelings of love for this musical artist. Every beat just feels so good once it hits me. Obviously, I understand societal boundaries and I try to not make assumptions of a person based on their artworks.
The problem of what has happened is that I told my friend at the time that I had a crush on the artist for a while. I joked saying that they had a clear track record as far as I could remember, so there would be no problem with my strong feelings. After some stupid drama that their partner created for being a womanchild, they lied to someone they were making fun of behind their back that I’ve been “stalking” this artist, and that I’m an evil person, along with other false rumors.
I don’t really know what to say. You can’t make this shit up. I feel shy when I do refer to my emotions of how I wanted to be protected, maybe even saved by this friend group because I try my best to take my healthy dose of reality. At some point in your life you’ll have to accept that your emotions and the reality of events are two different.. Realities. Even considering that this is my vent blog, I’m not sure if I’m ready to open up about this yet, even though soon this event will be a year old..
For some reason I have been feeling this strong, uneasy feeling that I’m about to die in my chest. I do believe in reincarination, so the thought of death doesn’t completely plummet me into despair, but as I am alive I am trying to cultivate personal greatness, so, oh you know.. This isn’t good.
Returning from a nap, I had some retrospective thoughts. I am sorry for my younger self. Not only for the unfair treatment, harassment and abuse she had faced growing up, but mainly due to a lack of community and care for her. It sincerely hurts me that I ended up in situations where I can’t even feel comfortable speaking about, in hopes of feeling genuinely seen, appreciated and maybe even loved because it wasn’t accessible in person, and her parents aren’t supporting her passions unless it’s 100% approved by her parents.
There was a lot of pressure for me to get adopted during the final year of my high school life. Even though every part of me was screaming “YES, PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE” inside, I stayed put, because I was used to being put in an abusive environment. I didn’t realize saying no to all of the social workers trying to save me, would trap me into a miserable beginning to my adulthood, where things get even worse for me as I mature into this young woman I’m supposed to be, and suddenly, no one is racing to you with an emotional emergency first aid kit anymore.
Funny how my mother caused a giant scene multiple times to have ownership of me just to treat me like this now.
I understand that I’m unique, but it hurts that I can’t seem to find a true place of belonging, like sliding into a puzzle picture, and I couldn’t even find a place with people that may seem a bit odd at first because they really pre-established their clique. My hope to find community is the main reason why I am online, so it makes me feel physically ill to encounter people who want to encourage me to stay offline, especially if I’m practically harmless (which, 99.9% of the time, I am).
), so that’s depressing to think about. I think I adore Animal Crossing because it’s so easy to get into, and the adorable animal villagers are a bonus.
