Aug. 25, 2025 | 10:46

Listening to: Jhene Aiko - stranger
Eating: A Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwich

I got to get out of here, but how?

It’s a typical day in the Hikiko household.. My brother verbally abused everyone in his sight, my father secretly calling my mother “retarded” under his breath, and my mother continuing to request everyone to do simple tasks for her. I have an extremely good memory so I remember every fine detail of my childhood, so I don’t exactly desire to become younger again but I do wish I can return to the times where K. was here. I can’t look and depend on reality and how it was back then because my mind was scrambled with school assignments, bullying at school and my mental state reaching an all-time low. I started to misunderstand things heavily, make assumptions and other things that just weren’t exactly real but realistic in my reality. I hated how my English teacher took the time to be “experimental” with idiotic questions like “what is a chair” in our assignments.. I know that was three years ago, but I still feel like I’m in these circumstances as if they are still current and I just feel like running away..

Today’s dilemma was fiddling around with headers and footers. Once again, an alteration of a single line of code or two solves the whole problem. I worked hard to make sure everything looked readable in Phoenix Code, just for it to fail me by causing a lot of notable errors in the Neocities Code Editor.

Thanks to some assistance from P. (my dear friend) and some fiddling around for around 4 hours, and a touch of mysterious magic, my website is finally complete!

I’m honestly currently in a good mood because we’re getting Chipotle, I had the status’ meal for breakfast. I can’t wait to chow down then exercise.. Hehe

Although, I did kinda want this to be a negative emotion recorder, not a neutral/happy emotion recorder. I might sign in and update it only when I’m feeling godawful. I was feeling quite fearful and miserable until P. helped me out and the result I was trying to do with my blog just randomly appeared, so there’s that, I guess. Yay

Before I go, I wanted to describe and define my name to you all. Hikiko isn’t my actual name. It’s a nickname from the Japanese term, “Hikikomori”. I chose this name because being a hikikomori for a short period of time last year had brought me great comfort for the most part, although it is troublesome to recover from that type of period in your life. I also found a name analysis page for Hikiko. It also reminds me of Hikaru Utada's nickname too, "Hikki". ☺️

I'm back from exercising.. I could only do it for around 10 minutes. My entire body feels depressed, but my therapist would say that I've reached a adequete goal for today. She told me in order to get into a exercise routine, I have to start by a little each day. Tomorrow I can hopefully do 20, if not, 15 minutes. I managed to burn 32 calories, so there's that.

I think I may becoming another K. I still can't believe my ex made me abandon him. I'll never forgive him for that.

However, to get to the point, I'm listening to "Gyspy Bard" by Pinkie Pie right now. I always liked the song growing up, but I always felt a soft tense feeling of stress on my heart as I try my best to enjoy the moment with MLP material. I don't feel that way with watching Strawberry Shortcake (2009). It took me a while to fall back into consuming SS '09 because I had a profile picture from that show when everyone chose to hurt me and my reputation just because I had a simple crush on someone that was taken (no, I did not try to hurt the status of anyone's relationships) and I was a recovering abuse victim.

When I walk in the room, I shimmer, but that's not always a good thing.

Anyways, returning back to MLP discussion, I always felt a bit of stress when listening and engaging with the show, especially the more I grew up. I felt like I couldn't fit in with the rest of the fandom. Something about me is particularly different but I can't exactly pinpoint why. I'm so tired of society, I try my best to stay in line and get ridiculed for it, I try my best to comfort myself, and I get insulted for it. I need to stop going off-topic here. Recently I've been forcing myself to be grateful for paper scraps so I can get more scraps to hopefully have a better, beautiful image - especially after losing my special FP. I hope he's okay out there, I miss you..

The MLP fandom felt like a special group of oddballs. Knowing that most people that I knew that were immature and tried to hurt me but were also in commited relationships were also in commited relationships were 23-25 years old, it gives me hope to keep on living, in hopes that love can just land in my lap instead of passing me like a summer's breeze. Regarding the MLP fandom, it's just that somehow I couldn't fit in with even the pegasisters and the bronies, even though I do geninuely like some aspects of the show. I just didn't like it or enjoy it as much as Powerpuff Girls (1998), Strawberry Shortcake (2009) and other shows.. and I'm trying to say that it's okay. I have a friend from Japan who's been supporting me monetarily as a artist on tumblr, and that felt nice to get that support, but I need closeness.

I still can't imagine my life if I never met K.

I always end up talking about him.. even if some people want me to die.. even if some people want me to shut up.. it always ends up being related to him.

22:43

So of course I find myself listening to music tonight, like every night. This track is absolutely amazing. From the corners of the internet woods where you think you would find people that resonate with this kind of music and create it, I would've never thought or believed that I could resonate with one of their creations. It just seemed obscure to me, and incompatible. Even though there appears to be many similar aspects of my life to theirs based off their samples, their knowledge and music taste, it feels like we are polar opposites. I want to connect, though, and appreciate other people. I try to leave a stranger, a stranger though. This post is open-ended, just like people, so think of this what you will - just don't bitch on my page about your interpretation on it.

Another song from my childhood, or err, well, teenhood.

It's funny how I lived my entire life in America, yet I resonate to a lot of Japanese and experimental music.

God, that song I was writing about earlier is still on my mind. They're amazing... すごいですね。。

Aug. 24, 2025 | 15:30

Listening to: Folder 5 - FINAL FUN BOY
Eating: Mozzarella Sticks, Tilapia and Mashed P*tat*es (I hate potatoes)

I think joining a server that focuses on the creation of manga has temporarily depressed my creative yearns. I mean, I joined it because I am looking for community and I want to write quality works, something similar to An Nakahara or Mia Ikumi, but I’m not a fan of the owner’s constant nitpicking and preference of misunderstanding my intentions in my writing. I think I should just leave her an ignorant soul when it comes to my creative world. Someone from the same server also complimented me, stating that my writing is better than my artwork. I always believed that my writing was exceptional, but I guess if I were to weigh things on a comparison scale, my writing could weigh more, but I do work tirelessly on my artwork as well. I should just leave, especially considering the aggressive outliners of the main active crew (me, the owner, the guy who made that strange compliment and this guy that teases the owner) are the ones making the group chat more lively nowadays.

I have barely any energy and patience to work on my website for some reason. It might be because my art program where I made mockups suddenly crapped its pants and doesn’t want to cooperate with me anymore..

Suddenly, my day is disorganized even though I have plans to watch an anime and walk on my walking pad today. I wish my mother would fucking stop hovering over me, especially because I turn 20 years of age in less than 5 months. My therapist suggested that if I ignore her enough, she will eventually get up and do something about whatever she’s requesting other people to do. Something is always wrong with her, and now she says that she can barely walk, so we have to do simple tasks for her. My mother is not at a elderly level at all, and my grandmother who’s fortunately still alive is a lot more active than her. I don’t understand why my mother believes a life of ordering take-out foods and asking her family to do simple tasks such as getting something to drink, throw away her food and pick up food deliveries is a life of bliss for her.

I’m starting to become afraid when I feel strong emotions, especially because I don’t have a partner to help stabilize me at times. I have a therapist, but I hate how my past partner tried to make it out and seem like I have no self care skills at all whatsoever. I hate him.

My friend of 10-11 years is talking to me right now, but I just got ghosted by the other one who knew me for that exact amount of time for an unknown reason. I’m just about sick of people leaving my life without trying to repair what could’ve possibly gone wrong between us - I just label them as cowards.

I don’t know how I’m going to plan everything out, especially because I have to mentally prepare myself every-fucking-day for a new meaningless task my mother requests for me to do. She doesn’t suffer from a disability, she just finds things much easier if she scrapes it onto someone else’s plate. 😐

I think I’m also losing some sanity points by constantly listening to Japanese pop/party music whenever I feel down - there’s nothing wrong with the music, it just powerfully reframes whatever task I’m doing. There is literally no time to be sad where I live because not only do I live in a city that never sleeps, but my mother will find something for me to do and pressure me to do it, because she renders herself mentally incapable of doing simple tasks.

I didn’t want to say it, especially so outwardly, but god, I’m starting to hate my life. I’m tired of receiving a range of controlling, already-committed to careless exes, I’m sick of my mother’s laziness, I wish my brother can just fuck off and I wish my father can stop being such a doormat.

I’m listening to another song right now, rather than the one in my status (that one ended). It’s difficult for me to put my emotions into words, especially after my ex-friend spread rumors about how I felt about this artist. I will tackle that in the next paragraph. For now, I really feel seen and dare I say, feelings of love for this musical artist. Every beat just feels so good once it hits me. Obviously, I understand societal boundaries and I try to not make assumptions of a person based on their artworks.

The problem of what has happened is that I told my friend at the time that I had a crush on the artist for a while. I joked saying that they had a clear track record as far as I could remember, so there would be no problem with my strong feelings. After some stupid drama that their partner created for being a womanchild, they lied to someone they were making fun of behind their back that I’ve been “stalking” this artist, and that I’m an evil person, along with other false rumors.

I don’t really know what to say. You can’t make this shit up. I feel shy when I do refer to my emotions of how I wanted to be protected, maybe even saved by this friend group because I try my best to take my healthy dose of reality. At some point in your life you’ll have to accept that your emotions and the reality of events are two different.. Realities. Even considering that this is my vent blog, I’m not sure if I’m ready to open up about this yet, even though soon this event will be a year old..

For some reason I have been feeling this strong, uneasy feeling that I’m about to die in my chest. I do believe in reincarination, so the thought of death doesn’t completely plummet me into despair, but as I am alive I am trying to cultivate personal greatness, so, oh you know.. This isn’t good.

Returning from a nap, I had some retrospective thoughts. I am sorry for my younger self. Not only for the unfair treatment, harassment and abuse she had faced growing up, but mainly due to a lack of community and care for her. It sincerely hurts me that I ended up in situations where I can’t even feel comfortable speaking about, in hopes of feeling genuinely seen, appreciated and maybe even loved because it wasn’t accessible in person, and her parents aren’t supporting her passions unless it’s 100% approved by her parents.

There was a lot of pressure for me to get adopted during the final year of my high school life. Even though every part of me was screaming “YES, PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE” inside, I stayed put, because I was used to being put in an abusive environment. I didn’t realize saying no to all of the social workers trying to save me, would trap me into a miserable beginning to my adulthood, where things get even worse for me as I mature into this young woman I’m supposed to be, and suddenly, no one is racing to you with an emotional emergency first aid kit anymore.

Funny how my mother caused a giant scene multiple times to have ownership of me just to treat me like this now.

I understand that I’m unique, but it hurts that I can’t seem to find a true place of belonging, like sliding into a puzzle picture, and I couldn’t even find a place with people that may seem a bit odd at first because they really pre-established their clique. My hope to find community is the main reason why I am online, so it makes me feel physically ill to encounter people who want to encourage me to stay offline, especially if I’m practically harmless (which, 99.9% of the time, I am).